A little bit of… meh.

Wow, it’s been awhile since I posted an actual post full of thoughts and ideas.  Things have been a little busy for me lately, and my brain has been filled with work/school/home-related things.  When I finally decide to sit down and write a blog post the well is dry, and there are no words left for the blog.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a full-time job as an administrative assistant, plus I am a full-time graduate student working toward my Masters in Accounting.  I’m also a wife, so much of my time is taken up by household things, including food prep for both of us as we try to get healthy.  Not to mention the regular, everyday cleaning, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, etc.  So as you can tell, there’s not much time left for other things.

I am fortunate enough that I do not have to pay for my education – it’s a work benefit – but lately, I’ve been feeling a little like I’ve hit a brick wall.  I LOVE school, don’t get me wrong.  I love to learn new things and stretch my abilities beyond the comfort zone.  My original degree is in Communication, however, I have taken many classes in Psychology, Neuroscience, and Math… and of course now Accounting.  But here is my current dilemma:  I’ve been feeling a little like this isn’t what I’m meant to be doing.

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I’ve been searching for my calling – for my purpose.  I love math, and financial issues, and figuring out problems.  This is why accounting seems like a perfect fit.   I’m enjoying the coursework – I just don’t feel passionate about it.  I don’t feel like this is the thing I want to do forever.  At the moment, it’s just a means to an end.  A way to get a Masters degree so that I can teach part time.  That is definitely something I want to do. Sure, there are other Masters degrees out there, but none that are free and also something I would even remotely enjoy.

I guess my point here is that I’m struggling with using this path as a means to an end.  Up until this point, I had been taking classes in subjects that I truly love. My original goal was to study psych or neuro at a graduate level, but several life circumstances have made that path one that I am sadly not able to follow right now.  So now I am on a path that leads to an end that I seek, but the path isn’t what I truly wanted.  Again, I don’t hate it, I just feel like “meh.”

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I guess you could say school is like a hobby+ for me.  Something I do because I love it, but also for the endgame.  The problem is, most hobbies don’t require such a high level of commitment.  I do well in school – it often comes easily to me.  That does not mean, however, that it isn’t time-consuming.  Even a problem I know how to do requires time to figure out and write/type out.  Not to mention the reading, studying, and test-taking.  Again, I’m not complaining about this, I’m just feeling like WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE OVER.  I think I am at an age now where I am looking forward to a pastime that doesn’t get graded and evaluated.  That doesn’t hold such a high level of importance.  That takes up my time when I want it to, not because it has to.  If my hobby was knitting, I could knit when I wanted to and didn’t need to worry about how great it was.  School – at least, working toward a degree – is different.

I also feel a little like I’m spinning in circles.  I feel like I don’t know what God’s calling for me is – I don’t know what I’m meant to be doing, where I’m supposed to go.  One thing I do know – thanks to repeated demonstrations of proof – is that I’m right where He wants me to be.  I also know that if I knew 100% what I was supposed to do then that would eliminate the need for me to rely on God, which I am sure He is trying to teach me to do.  I just wish I had a better direction.  I get glimpses of it, but then I get into this “mood” and start feeling like a melancholy teenager from a John Hughes movie.

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All in all, I think I’m just lamenting my lack of “me time” and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  I know this will pass and I’ll be back in fighting mode in no time.  The key right now is to not let that “meh” feeling become all-encompassing.  To not let it seep into every part of my life – my family, my job, my marriage… my faith.  It’s so easy to just say “eff it all” and curl up on the couch and sleep it away.  But that’s not how God loves us, and so that’s not how we should work for Him.

Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people.  Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ.   Colossians 3:23-24

I keep running this verse through my head.  I use it as a catalyst to keep moving and do my best, even when I don’t feel like it.  To realize that He gave everything for me, a sinner, so the least I can do is get through a few problems about intangible assets or depreciation without complaining about it.  And I can do it with a sense of joy that the endgame is so much more than the earthly things I can imagine.

So, I choose to push through and honor Him in the best way I can.  There are some days I really don’t feel like it.  And it’s those days, when I put my best foot forward despite my huge desire to vegetate on the couch in my pajamas, that He sees my love, faith, and dedication… my decision to do the best with this life He has given me.  It’s those days when I realize the strength He has given me, and when I know that I can do anything.

God bless and good health,

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